A river of tears.

Do you ever just feel like crying? 

This happens to me all the time, but I can never figure out the reason why. You'd think I should be able to trace back my sudden urge to vent via tears, but it's a dead end. Or I'm just dense and can't see the end. 

Sometimes I'm just sitting there when instantly I see a certain thing, or a certain thought pops into my head, and causes my eyes to immediately start stinging, the onset of tears near. I try not to blink, hoping it will pass, but the urge overtakes me and I shut my eyelids, just for a second, and my tear ducts begin to moisten. I begin to blink rapidly, hoping to keep the liquid from brimming over the edge of my bottom eyelid, but alas, the rivers run down my face. 

It's not a heavy cry, but an emotional one nonetheless. And I can't pinpoint why it occurs. 

I thought overly emotional, reasonless cries only happened to girls in high school, wracked with hormones. But here I am in my twenties, and I still cry without a purpose. Part of me asks myself, Am I still going through puberty? No, I'm sure I'm not. Another part says, Am I just immature? Could be, but I doubt I'm alone in this. 

Let me give an explanation for those of you who've read this far and feel so detached and rolling your eyes at all this melodrama that you're about to quit reading. 

Today I brought home some food from work to eat for lunch. When I got home around eleven a.m., my husband had prepared some food for dinner, but he made it early since he had to go to work soon and we would be eating dinner separately. An hour later, I had a snack, not quite hungry for a full meal of lunch. Then around four o'clock, I decided I should probably eat lunch, so I ate what I had brought home from work. I lay on my bed, just relaxing, when I realized it was six o'clock, basically past dinner time, and I wasn't hungry. I wasn't going to be hungry for another few hours, and by that time, my husband would be home from work. But that means I would never have a chance to eat the food he had prepared for me because I ate a late lunch. I immediately got tears in my eyes because I felt so bad. He had cooked me some beef that I could make French dip sandwiches out of, which is one of my favourite meals. He did a service to me, and now here I was, not accepting that service. And that poor meat--I didn't want it to sit alone, not being enjoyed, slowly decaying in the refrigerator. I just felt like I had let him down by not eating his meal. Especially since he had texted me at some point and said, "The meat's really good, I hope you enjoy it." Now I feel like utter trash. 

I get that this isn't really a big deal. I'm over-emotional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is who I am! And I hate that feeling, that feeling of my eyes burning because the tears threaten to take over. It happens way too often. 

(Composed 7 March 2018.)

I am see-through.

I've always felt that I was special, but in a completely insignificant way. 

What I mean by this is that I see myself as different from the rest of society, a sort of anomaly if you will. I'm important, but I'm somehow less important than everybody else. I matter, but not really that much. 

Have you ever been watching a video on YouTube, and the person behind the camera says, "Hello everybody, welcome to my video," or something of the sort. I always feel like he or she is talking to everybody else except for me. Like somehow this stranger knows who I am and is singling me out and not welcoming me to their video because I'm different. Or when you're reading the acknowledgments at the end of a book and the author writes, "I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to read this book." Again, that author is not thanking me; I just cannot comprehend that. I picture myself in a room looking out on a crowd of people, all of whom are getting the thanks, or the welcome, and I'm stuck in the room, unable to receive such a pleasantry. Does anybody else have this problem? 

Because of my feelings of not fitting in--which aren't exactly feelings of not fitting in but just of being different--I somehow also feel incapable of commenting on public threads, such as on YouTube or forums, or really even on my private Facebook. Like that picture or that article was posted for everyone but me, and I just stumbled across it, not really meant to see it. I'm not allowed to comment because that would be breaking all sorts of unspoken rules that even I don't know, and I can't make it known that I'm here, watching, reading. 

I'm solely in the background, and that's how I've always lived my life. It feels normal to me, comfortable. I don't want to be known or be the center of attention. When I have all eyes on me, I feel out of place, like I'm a mistake and I shouldn't be allowing people to look at me. I become speechless, unable to mutter even a sound. Because what if it's the wrong sound? I'm already in the wrong, and I don't want to make it worse. 

(Composed 21 February 2018.)