I've always felt that I was special, but in a completely insignificant way.
What I mean by this is that I see myself as different from the rest of society, a sort of anomaly if you will. I'm important, but I'm somehow less important than everybody else. I matter, but not really that much.
Have you ever been watching a video on YouTube, and the person behind the camera says, "Hello everybody, welcome to my video," or something of the sort. I always feel like he or she is talking to everybody else except for me. Like somehow this stranger knows who I am and is singling me out and not welcoming me to their video because I'm different. Or when you're reading the acknowledgments at the end of a book and the author writes, "I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to read this book." Again, that author is not thanking me; I just cannot comprehend that. I picture myself in a room looking out on a crowd of people, all of whom are getting the thanks, or the welcome, and I'm stuck in the room, unable to receive such a pleasantry. Does anybody else have this problem?
Because of my feelings of not fitting in--which aren't exactly feelings of not fitting in but just of being different--I somehow also feel incapable of commenting on public threads, such as on YouTube or forums, or really even on my private Facebook. Like that picture or that article was posted for everyone but me, and I just stumbled across it, not really meant to see it. I'm not allowed to comment because that would be breaking all sorts of unspoken rules that even I don't know, and I can't make it known that I'm here, watching, reading.
I'm solely in the background, and that's how I've always lived my life. It feels normal to me, comfortable. I don't want to be known or be the center of attention. When I have all eyes on me, I feel out of place, like I'm a mistake and I shouldn't be allowing people to look at me. I become speechless, unable to mutter even a sound. Because what if it's the wrong sound? I'm already in the wrong, and I don't want to make it worse.
